Post #8: Firetruck long weekends -.-

Through and through, I felt the cold pierceing of a material I could not quite identify. It wasnt till I opened my eyes that I realized I had just fallen of my bed on top of a cold shoe. What is the point of this one story from this morning? "My inability to distinguish reality from fantasy." No its not. To be fully honest it has not point. No objective. And it serves to reflect how Ive been feeling lately. Hey, what do you know? I did find a point for it after all! In the months leading up to January I tried to holy hell to mentaly prepare myself for either rejection, acceptance, or everything in between. She aready knew, to my knowledge she had known since maybe October, damn, maybe even farther before than that. Im not the most discreet person and I am definately not non-chalant about rumors even if they couldnt be any less true. So I simply rode the rumors home. It was already widely believed that I was crushing hard, which I definately was. But I found no way to express it. So finally I set a date for myself, November eleventh. If by then I hadnt told her how I felt, then I was never going to say anything. That is the most idiotic, simple minded goal I could have ever set for my self. Im not ashamed of the outcome, I was honest and got an answer, granted one that I still believe was hastedly formulated by her, but it was better than nothing. But it was asenine in that I basically sat down and said "If Im still quiet by x date, then I will obviate the best thing thats ever happened in my life because of a fear of rejection." That is just flat out stupid of me. Through a slight reflection I can guess why I said that, she talked to me. Yet she barely said anything, as if she limped through our conversations in an attempt to get it all over with. So the night of the 11th I told her how I felt. The expresion was nothing short of what I expected. She was slightly shocked, yet not fully suprised. But something about the way she expressed herself made me uncomfortable. She sounded... disapointed, disillusioned, almost as if to say "seriously?" It didnt feel good at all, and I regreted mentioning anything. I felt our friendship ending right then and there. And I wouldnt know for sure until three days from that, speaking of which I would like to slap whoever invented the concept of a long weekend. It wasnt until she saw me at school that she said something. Basically until I said something about it, she acted like nothing happened. When I finally got to talking to her, she said that she wasnt certain of how she felt about me. That made me a bit more comforted, it wasnt exactly a confirmation, and neither was it a rejection. It didnt give me hope, rather it gave me peace that I wasnt the only one uncomfortable by the confesion, even if it was my own thought. I didnt expect anything big from her, just one thing. Honesty, I didnt want her to say anything she didnt mean, nor that she wasnt sure of. And here I am, not knowing what the hell Im doing. And most of all, in my confusion about to hang up the chapter of my life that is the love I feel for her and always will. I wonder, "Is honesty ask too much from the girl thay stole my heart and has yet to recognize it? Or do I fail to understand that she might never be certain if she feels anything from me?"