Post #15: Just a simple story, about the greatest year ever.

So, here I now stand. In the plain between my sanity and my heart. Its been exactly 97 days since this all began. And I cant help but believe that it can go on for 97 more. Ive warped my reasoning to the point where I myself hardly recognize the way I now aproach my problems. It used to be so simple. Identify the problem, isolate the problem, get all Jack Donaghy on that problem's face (its 30 Rock you guys!) Point is that it was as simple as asesing what I have done wrong and correct it. But nothing is that simple any more. Even my simplests of problems have to be analyzed and over complicated that they would make even the most seasoned thespian walk of stage in a manner that would probably offend Axl Rose. Point is that she has changed my perception of life itself. The very simplicity of life which I once took for granted now becomes the very fuel that pushes me for her. At any other given moment I would have denied the oportunity to apreciate something in the hopes that it would be replenishable one day. Its not the case anymore. I cant give up something in hopes that one day I would get it again. If I would still see it that way, I would have never know what a wonderful woman she is. Being with her opened my eyes to the beauties of nature like nothing before it. And even if she might not see it, she has been the single most impacting entity in my existance. Every laugh I have shared with her, every frown she has talked through me, and those moments when a holy prank placed us together felt nothing less than seconds now that I think about it. I wanted it too hard, and so I lost it before I could realize the eternal sunrise that smiled in front of me every day till December 28th, a date that will forever be known as the one moment where I doubted no more. The one moment I let my guard down and wasnt scared. She is the only person who has inspired that type of confidence in me. I let my every wall around me melt for her, and I could have never felt safer. She is my muse, my guiding song into sactuary. And I followed it all the way into oblivion, but I will follow it over and over again. Cause no matter how many times she guides me into a hollow ebony with a smirk, I will keep on to the day when she finally lets me know she feels nothing for me. Isnt it funny? I still dont know! She assures me that no matter how many times I guess im not right. I will trust her this one last time. Through this blog I have lived through every stage of the most interesting year in the history of humanity, and I know that its not over yet. So I will ride into the dawn, waiting for her call, my lovely nightingale. You know where to find me dont you? So how about it, you ready... Monique?

Post #14: The slow days

The days following would be deserving of their own blog, each day was a constant popuri of feelings thay even I have yet to comprehend. But just because I had failed to comprehend them doesn't mean I couldnt accept them. I had never know any type of romance at all. But I had know the void of having my heart broken. And it mends, but just like a torn piece of paper taped and stapled together over and over again, it becomes warped and crumpled. Not useless, but barely recognizable enought that you could identify it from a pile of once identical sheets. I acepted the fact that another tear would be created but something felt amiss. Since the moment I had felt her start to dwindle in her being sure of me, I made a promise to myself. To not let it come as a shock if it one day ended. I didnt know where, when, or why, but my heart knew it was just a matter of time. It wasnt a nice feeling to have, it was horrible knowing or even believing that the best thing that has ever happened to you would end as abruptly as wars begin. But I prepared myself to hear that. How? Well Im not really sure about how or what I did. All I know is that when it happened, I took it as lightly as I could have. It was almost scary how calm I was. I wanted to believe that I undertood why it happened. But in no where in my being did I understand, nor did I want to. The first day was the easiest, it felt like I had lost an important notebook. Replaceable yes, easy to accept, of course not. But the second day was horrible, I saw her right infront of my eyes and couldnt even work up a "how do you do?" Its a psycological torture I wouldnt even reserve to the most evil of tyrants. Seeing a golden exit locked as you burn in helheim, its horrible. By the tenth day I was already defeated. I couldnt talk to her even though the thoughts basically poured out my mouth. And the days that would be spent telking for ours on end were now replaced by meaningless repetitive tasks that I couldnt have given up faster when I was with her. Games and activities that once filled me with glee now became a menial distraction as dusk aproached and the hunger and rest settled in. To say I would have been just as happy by delivering suppenas is an understatement. At least then I would have the satisfaction of being useful to someone. I no longer had a reason to wake up early and stay up late. And I lived every day like that till one day, while I played the same game that I once ommited for weeks just to make sure she had all of my attention, my phone rang with a victorious fanfare. Who could it have been? I hadnt heard that same tone in over two weeks... And as I saw the same beautiful picture, the one she had sent me in my sole reclusion to remind me she was still there, pop up to let me know it was her messaging me, my heart skipped a beat. And even more suprising was that for the first time since I have "known" her, I had no idea why she would want to talk with me. It wasnt the same type of heartbreak. It was less, much less, but I definately felt that she felt the distress. She wanted to talk to me again. And I was happy to comply. But I only wish she knew that my crumpled paper heart was still torn, and blocking the mending was her golden aura once again lighting up my soul.

Post #13: A short yet swift blow

Soon enough I was soo knee deep into my own suddenly established attitude that I had semented for myself that it was impossible to turn back. Soon I had forgotten how to be another person that wasnt this pathetic. It wasnt the intention, but rather the execution that had brought it up to be that sad. Then came the day school began. I had built this day up in my mind so much I almost burst into tears that morning. In fact I never slept the night before, laying down in a bed for about 28 minutes to wake up isnt really sleeping afterall. When I got there she wasnt there yet. And it wasnt till the first class that I saw her. The confident me that had left class in December was now replaced by a shadow of my former self who was even too afraid to give the woman he loves a hug. I compleatly froze at the look of her, and by the time I had snapped out of it, she was wondering over which classes to take. And as I talked to her, something suddenly became painstakingly obvious that she was either pretending that nothing had ever happened or she didnt really care. And while I tried over and over to squeeze even the slightest drop of concern or attraction from her, it became even more so that she wasnt even involved anymore. Now I realize how sad it must have been considering how involved I was, but its an undeniable fact that I was oozing desperstion, something I hated doing because I never noticed, ever at all. And it showed that she noticed, since she barepy spoke to me. But nothing would hurt more than another field trip we took not a week after school began. Considering how much attention she had been paying, I had asked her if she was even going to accompany me on this field trip. She answered yes, and that only made what followed worse than any other feeling I have ever felt. By the time we had arrived she was compleatly oblivious to my presence, I wrote it off, not thinking much about it. I thought so little about it that I decided to bring some of that confidence back from December and just flat out ask her where we would sit down. Doing that was like seeing the white in a man's eyes just before he took a dagger to your heart. The moment the question poped from my lips, she laughed in my face and infront of her friends who also laughed in my face. She exclamed with pride "No! Im going to sit with my friends." If I were to say it hurt, I would be undermining every deception ever. It hurt so much that I can still hear the moment that my heart broke in a little reel that repeats itself over and over and over again. You know what is the worst about it? I dont know how to turn it off! It sits there taunting me up the moment I decided it was over without even one iota of regret or joy. She couldnt even say it to my face, she ended up confirming my doubts through text. A freaking text message! There is no way to pierce a man's heart more swiftly than to forget him without him knowing.

Post 12: The nothing weeks

Have you ever busted out in laughter like a mad jester? For no given reason by the way. Its probably the most purifying experience out there. Just walking along the all too familiar hall to your kitchen then suddenly clutching your gut and having to sit down like a damn fool. At that moment all of the world's troubles melt away and you are left to enjoy your own secluded madness. Its the lover's curse, to live in glee. And every day since the best December 28th heaven has ever gazed upon did I live in blissfull ignorance of the world that surrounds me. At least, for three weeks that is. Soon after a subtle and non binding new year's promise from her, I noticed her distant. No, wait. I barely noticed her there at all. Our conversations were suddenly slow and impersonal. Her attitude was that of indifference and not much more can be said of her trust. She suddenly stoped confying in me things that at the beggining of our friendship (Note the word friendship, not dating) seemed elementary. As if she doubted my judgement or discretion. I thought much of it, after all, one does not dismiss that diamond which gleams the brightest even in the darkest pit. I preased on with faith that I could help as I had several times before. But I felt the game had changed, she had changed. It was subtle, but it was there. There was only one reason I held back. And I fear that it might have sealed my own downfall. For fear of losing her I held my tongue. More than once, I turned into the instigator who never has seen a flaw in the person he is counsiling. I hate that person. I vowed to be honest to her at all times, and this threw me off from my path too far. But I couldnt stop. And soon it became the only person I could be. Not just with her. But with everybody, in my mind. Everybody was right and nobody could tell them otherwise. Never listen to that person! I remember one such day, she had not slept the days before and this day was no diferent. So I, being 30 miles away, decided to stay up and acompany her until she fell asleep. She knew it was a waste of my time, and so did I. It didnt matter if I stayed up till Morpheus forgot me. No matter how much time I would take from my health, she wouldnt instantly fall asleep because of one gesture. And so I was awake till 5 waiting for her visit from the sandman. It never came, so I, feeling as a failure went to sleep. And what sucked the most is that I did that to myself. But it persisted, and it led to my unduing in less than 2 weeks...

Post 11: I still know its true.

By the time of the last final we had grown very close. We talked always and tried to spend as much time together between tests. It was great, some would call it magical. It was almost like my heart was suspended upon a balance cord with no safety net. Feeling both on top of the world, and in terrible danger at the same time. And I took every single day as a blessing from a god I dont believe in. It was like the climax of an epic poem. And my soul concured with that statement. So you could probably imagine my inmense disillusion when the tests were over and we were free, never has a child ever wanted school to carry on. And it didnt just hurt that I wouldnt see her again for a month, but the worst thing was that I wouldnt see her the last day. I left her be the day before thinking that I would see her again the next. But my damn algebra final got in the way of my happiness. It wouldnt be the first time math is a cruel b!tch to me. But this time she outdid herself. That very day I boarded a plane that would take me 800 miles away for ten days. It was a great time. Thats for sure. But knowing I would not see her again hurt me so much I still lack the words to describe it. But for the sake of the writing and slight comic relief, "It burns!!" will sufice. She was still there though, her sweet conscience wasnt more than a dial away. And I milked that for all it was worth. I wouldnt go the day without talking to her. And It made the vacation one of the most fun, satisfying experiences I have had since I knew that no matter where I was, she would be there. But I knew that if I didnt see her till school starts, I might go insane. An exageration, perhaps. A waste of breath, never. I had to see her. So I finally got her to go out with me, the very day after I got back. And since I asked her. Every day to my return was a count down that would have made 24 look like a gym class stop watch. The day I returned I boarded a flight at 12:00 freaking a.m., and I didnt sleep a lick. Cause every time I closed my eyes, she was there. The day was finally here. I would see her after 10 days if unholy disney characters. As I walked torwards the entrance of the mall I felt a wave crashing over me. A wave of adrenaline and endorphines. She had finally thrown my heart out of rythimn. Making it tick faster and slower at the same time. I felt dizzy so I decided to sit down. It would have hurt the moment if I had fainted infront of her. The minute I saw her I rushed to the line of the movies, and when I saw her eyes, my heart melted as if it had been submerged in napalm. We went in only to have the dude in the line tell me that the movie wouldnt start for 15 minutes. Freaking yes! So we sat down and talked. She didnt notice, as I am a master the discreet, but a slight tear passed my eye. Left eye to be exact, which I wiped by proceding to sip some cola (like a boss.) The time came so we moved to the theater to find the greatest gift a movie theater could have ever given me. A reclinable coaster, the one boundry between to people at a theater was here to be removed. As I sat to see the movie and saw her removing the recliner, I took this as a chance to look, no, to gaze at her while the theater light was still soft. And as she rose her delicate locks of brown and allowed me to see her face, I saw a sight uncomparable to any wonder, worldly or otherwise. Her eyes were now surrounded in a tear worthy autumn tint of gold that turned her gaze into a subtle ring of light. Almost reluctanctly, I made way for her to lay her head in my chest, blocking way from her beautiful crystals. And as time progressed my heart slowed to a near halt. At which point I felt her clutch my arm and let out a sight of comfort, as if it had been something she awaited. Now the movie started and I couldnt care less. Dont get me wrong, Martin Scorsese is a master of cinema. But no amount of french cafes would distract me from the best thing thats ever happened to me being almost one with me. The movie progressed and we exchanged subtle complements and honesties. Then the movie was over and I almost fainted. I wouldnt see her again for 2 more weeks. What a freaking hell! But as the movie's credits rolled and the song "Flying Heart" played in the subtle back ground. She didnt get up. What? Did something of hers fall? No, she looked at me and her beautiful gaze shined brighter than before. And as they drew me in with a force stronger than the thickest diamond, I leaned in, and so did she. It wasnt just a kiss. For the first time ever every doubt I had became clear, any taunt melted away and any insecurity disappeared. That breath I once took now repeated itself. But we were still here, and nothing more mattered. It is still, the most amazing thing thats ever happened to me, and forever I will remember it as the only moment in my life that I was truly happy. And as I said goodbye to her to the tune of one last kiss I realized that one doubt that has always haunted me. I realized that I loved her. No, wait. I love her. Ive loved her since the fourth grade. And I still do and forever will. How can I be so certain? I can't. But if I chose to believe one truth, its this one. And I still believe it as I believed it everyday since the end of the fourth grade.

Post #10: We all make fools of ourselves

I remember the first time I got the courage to ask her out. She already knew how I felt, and yet she still found it in her heart to talk to me. It made me so happy that I hadnt fully screwed things up. The more I seeked her out, she remained there, neutral yet open. She told me straight up that she didnt feel anything for me, but never told me that she wouldnt. So I kept at it, in the hopes that she wouldnt wake up one day with a message for me on her mind that specifically stated "Cease and deceast." But something in my mind miscalculated the effort necessary to keep her close. Most of the time instead of making her feel in a safe enviroment. I, without intention, berated her with questions. Im my mind, I had waited most of my life, and to wait more was and still feels unnecesary. And even though I know very well that the feeling of attraction is not defined by he who makes the first aproach of courtship, but indeed by both parties. I constantly asked, in some cases which I am not particurlarly proud of, I demanded to know if she had made a decision. Its definately one of the moments of my life that made me feel like I would have been brought up in a different way, I wouldnt have been like that. She obviously felt uncomfortable and that made me feel like I was failing, still does by the way. But sometimes I knew that I had a right to know. It had been enough after all, and I just wanted the answer to a question most kids in freaking elementary school phrase as a little note. I didnt expect her to check the "yes" box in the little letter that asked "Would you go out with me", but I expected her to check something, and the more she took, the more it hurt. This went on for a good month. But what was weird wasnt the fact that it took long. By the third week I was already concient of the notion that she might never go out with me. But slowly, as time passed I felt her grow closer torwards me. In the weeks leading up to the second week of december. She was awefuly affectionate torwards me, almost as if we had a history prior to now. It felt weird, and I would have to admit I wasnt a big fan of it. I didnt complain. She would always talk about how we should just let things flow. And if this was her way of allowing things to proceed, then I would pay attention. After all, I was, still am, in love and all was valid. And this would go on till the moment when she couldnt possibly say no. A class field trip to the movies, nothing short of my little personal promised land. She had to say yes. And she did. The sweet sound of that beautiful PG movie still resounds through my ears cause it was one of the first moments we were at peace together. Only one other time have I felt something like that. And the funny thing is that it hadnt happened yet.

Post #9: My first nightmare

Man have I felt horrible today. It isnt easy when your day begins with a nightmare still fresh in you memory. It took posesion of me the moment I woke up, and I hasnt let me go. But what bothers me isnt how dark it was, but rather how vivid and life like. Im not one used to remembering dreams, in fact I forget most within minutes of waking up, so it is a huge event when one sticks with me. It has sometimes been reflections of my past day, or ways I proyect my self in an alternate existance. One in which the basic laws of nature dont apply and we are beings of pure intention. Beautiful drean those, in which I wrap myself in the silk blanket that is Morpheous' spell and sleep till the world is no more. But never has a nightmare stuck with me as this vile thought has. It began as any normal dream, where the imposible is the standard and only your actions matter, not quite a lucid dream. Rather one of a spontaneous and considerate nature. An azure sky covered an oh so simulteneous sleeping earth in the middle of a perpetual, cloudless day. And as all woke to take the daylight, so did I. I sprang from my bed, now a chair tastefully made to rest my head, to begin my day. But what is it on my phone but a call that keeps ringing throught the house. And as I calmly make my way over to the phone expecting it to go to voicemail, it seems to be getting louder and louder. Finally I pick it up. The other end is a cheering voice. Who would it be but her, boy was I electric. It was my little Christmas with no strings attatched. Soon her cheery giggle went silent and like a lighting from the blue came a shreeking scream followed by insaciable tears. And the next thing I know im next to her. I talk and I console but all to no avail. When she pushed me away, she talked but I heard nothing. And I could only remember the last word, over. She didnt mean us. We were nothing to begin with, sudenly she disapeared and the news came on. A girl is threatening to jump from a building in the business district. Its her, and next thing I know Im there as well. I run to the edge to stop her but by the time my hand reached her wrist she fell. So I dove after her. The horror wasnt in that we fell together, it was in that by the time I caught up to her, it was too late. Should I have written these blogs about her? Cause lately I havent been feeling too hot on the topic.

Post #8: Firetruck long weekends -.-

Through and through, I felt the cold pierceing of a material I could not quite identify. It wasnt till I opened my eyes that I realized I had just fallen of my bed on top of a cold shoe. What is the point of this one story from this morning? "My inability to distinguish reality from fantasy." No its not. To be fully honest it has not point. No objective. And it serves to reflect how Ive been feeling lately. Hey, what do you know? I did find a point for it after all! In the months leading up to January I tried to holy hell to mentaly prepare myself for either rejection, acceptance, or everything in between. She aready knew, to my knowledge she had known since maybe October, damn, maybe even farther before than that. Im not the most discreet person and I am definately not non-chalant about rumors even if they couldnt be any less true. So I simply rode the rumors home. It was already widely believed that I was crushing hard, which I definately was. But I found no way to express it. So finally I set a date for myself, November eleventh. If by then I hadnt told her how I felt, then I was never going to say anything. That is the most idiotic, simple minded goal I could have ever set for my self. Im not ashamed of the outcome, I was honest and got an answer, granted one that I still believe was hastedly formulated by her, but it was better than nothing. But it was asenine in that I basically sat down and said "If Im still quiet by x date, then I will obviate the best thing thats ever happened in my life because of a fear of rejection." That is just flat out stupid of me. Through a slight reflection I can guess why I said that, she talked to me. Yet she barely said anything, as if she limped through our conversations in an attempt to get it all over with. So the night of the 11th I told her how I felt. The expresion was nothing short of what I expected. She was slightly shocked, yet not fully suprised. But something about the way she expressed herself made me uncomfortable. She sounded... disapointed, disillusioned, almost as if to say "seriously?" It didnt feel good at all, and I regreted mentioning anything. I felt our friendship ending right then and there. And I wouldnt know for sure until three days from that, speaking of which I would like to slap whoever invented the concept of a long weekend. It wasnt until she saw me at school that she said something. Basically until I said something about it, she acted like nothing happened. When I finally got to talking to her, she said that she wasnt certain of how she felt about me. That made me a bit more comforted, it wasnt exactly a confirmation, and neither was it a rejection. It didnt give me hope, rather it gave me peace that I wasnt the only one uncomfortable by the confesion, even if it was my own thought. I didnt expect anything big from her, just one thing. Honesty, I didnt want her to say anything she didnt mean, nor that she wasnt sure of. And here I am, not knowing what the hell Im doing. And most of all, in my confusion about to hang up the chapter of my life that is the love I feel for her and always will. I wonder, "Is honesty ask too much from the girl thay stole my heart and has yet to recognize it? Or do I fail to understand that she might never be certain if she feels anything from me?"

Post #7: Here is the angst

The beach is a magical place. The warm sand mixed with the inexplicably cold water is amazing. But it would be a dreadful bore if I were to go on and om about how painstakingly obvious it is that every-freaking-body loves the beach. No, I want the drama, the reflection, the teenage angst that wins grammys and writes tv shows. Yeah, people eat that shit up like crazy! I mean look at half of the programing on ABC family, the CW, the god damned Disney channel. Its all about gloomy as hell teens who cant get over superficial necesities and somehow find a way to tie in every day rejection with sexual tension and serious phisical abuse. If anything other than repetitive its hilarious. Not because of the content, but because of how close-mindedly it was writen. But it is what people want, and at some point I have to comply with that desire. So I invite you to come back with me to the beach, that magical pool of breeze and sun. Within the screaming children and hectic pace at which the waves wish to escape the seemingly docile sea to a sedentary life style underneath sands trampled over by the nomadic beach goers, there lives an energy only reserved for the most equilateral of piramids. Its the stuff from which philosophers are born and from which the lesser become men. Through the waves I saw her. That innocent nightingale playing around in the waves. She loves the beach, it was almost an addiction to her, like how she buried herself in her stories to get away from it all when I am not there. Part of me wanted to leap from the chair torwards the water. But it takes no Moriarty to convince this Holmes that I was sleeping under the sun. Yet during that moment of mental weakness I realized how even through moments of being withdrawn from her, she still rang through my mind. But not in the forest nymph style she usually does so, hoping in and out from my conciousness in an attempt to maintain herself soldified within my mind. But rather like the patron saint of chemists Saint Raphael, surely by my side to offer a helping hand during those moments when my conciense fleets of to the all too familiar oblivion of wonderland. She grabed me by the hand as if I were the only one in the universe. And for one moment, I believed it. Through some type of divine prank I returned to a not quite forgoten conversation had but months ago. And through that I faced the biggest fear that we shared only once. I grasped her hand and took a breath so deep, Joules Verne took pen and paper to the very memory of it. And through my last breath, the world dissapeared and only I remained. She was gone and my fear rang true. And as I woke up to say goodbye to the last of my friends, I looked around to the guests attending the reopening of a nightclub and say those solidified by the years of being together and decided that no amount of fiction would make them a figment of my imagination, yet I would not take another breath to test it out. Because if I had lost her once, I would not risk it again. And it was at that moment that I felt her hand once again on my shoulder, I was indeed happy without her. But only now do I realize I was never closer to her.

Post #6: Clear as the skies

As I woke up the morning of saturday, the fifth of february to the tune of a busy hotel room, I couldnt help but smile. My mom hurried out the room while my friend followed her, thinking about his pointless (at least to me) SAT practice. Slowly but surely I got up from my bed and headed torwards the balcony of the room. Looking out the window I thought to my self how busy my day was going to be, but also how pointless it would have been to rush myself. So I walked torward the door and into the breakfest cafe. Looking over the families and recently maried couples and saw how easily society broke down in a restaurant. Between the obviously rich, eating their weight in lobster omelets and the ones wondering if they skipped on getting toast, they could get a taxi later that day. It was funny, cause I never thought of any of that. Im still young and luckly have never gone hungry. It was a nice refresher seeing that I fit nicely in the middle. So I awaited next to the pool for my friends to arrive and celebrate with me. What was that we were celebrating? Well mostly just the fact that we could celebrate. But if I were to put a tag on it, the word birthday would fit nicely there. Mine to be more precise. Though it is still 2 weeks away, its never too early to enjoy. We laughed, we reflected. But mostly, we existed. It seems like some sort of existencialist bullshit but I can think of no better description. And it wasnt till the very end when we just layed down to talk that I went back to thinking of that nightingale. And it was noticeable. They just kept going and left me to my thoughts, and for that I thank them. It helped quite a lot, but now is no time for that. We moved on to deep conversation, things I wouldnt have dreamed of talking about till I was maybe in the patio of my own house, with a beer in one hand and my children enjoying their day like a child should, playing how they please and learning to socialize. How most perfer to keep the other half happy rather than fight to the fullest. I learned most about my friends in one day than I have in my life. Not because I am not normally with them, but because I never sat down to talk rather than listen, I gave my input and got back as much and that felt great. And it was incredibly interesting that my muse wasnt there. Why? Because this has been one of the only days without her that Ive been this happy.

Post #5: A sudden and short realization

Waking up one day and realizing that you have seen the world without really realizing what is right here at home isnt something you take lightly. It brings up images from which you can begin comparing and contrasting all experiences had in the different places you have been in. A beach in Miami next to one in your own back yard, a theme park in Washington next to your local fair. It seems a bit pointless, especially when its more of a psicological fault rather than one of a physical nature, but its hard to evade. Point is that this is actually spurs from the lack of experiences shared in my own local area. Ones that while might seem pale at first, I end up regreting. During my last post I talked about how it seemed like I had lived for the first time, and how stark the contrast was when I got back. But it lasted for more than just a couple of months, to this day I still look at how I interact socially with great doubt in that this is the best I can do. It is in no way more noticeable than with her. This beautiful nightingale soared through my life to arrive at my greatest fears and embody them all. To an extent, she represents that which made me wholly at peace once, but makes me vulnerable now. And they are both feelings that fulfill my happiness. To be more specific, they are my happiness. By being at peace I can rid myself of all my problems, but by being vulnerable I can focus on what makes me strong. It makes want to work harder for her and be the person she might need me to be one day. If she is the doubt that haunts me to an unending oblivion, then an eternity down the stix seems pretty sweet about now.

Post #4: Remodeling

To say it was an easy summer following that fiasco is the least I could say. In fact, it was the best summer I have ever had. No matter how much time you take to prepare for a summer vacation in order to make sure you are as worry free as possible, there is always a constant pressure that bugs you. This constant reminder that beyond the momentary luxury of a vacation, you have a life that will continue like always once you go back. And you know what? I didn't feel it. It was one of the best moments I have ever experienced, and that wonder lasted for 3 beautiful worry free months. I had cleansed myself of all worries, I felt like confesing myself to her had made me a free man of not just my romantic necessities but also of my wordly restrictions. I was on top of the freaking world baby and nobody was knocking me off my damn high horse! I was suave, the life of the party wherever I went. I was witty, never did I miss a joke or an oportunity to loosen the tension. Most of all I was confident, there was no boundery too thick. People wanted to be close to me, and that made me feel amazing. I got into my first fight, and I won! Man what a rush. Long after I had left a locale I kept getting contacted to go out or simple to talk about how sweet it was. It got to the point where these conversation about things that had passed got so monotonous that I simply stopped comunications to move forward. I had my fair share of rejections. But I couldnt care less cause I was never lonely. And I never looked back. But during the last weeks of the summer I did. And it felt horrible. I saw how I behaved and realized that would never be as free again. Cause the minute I got back to school I was bombarded with memories. The past I wanted to turn into my future had been romantizised so much, there was no possible way I could live up to my own damn expectations. And so no mater how hard I tried I always went back to that magical place where the only reality was me and whoever had the pleasure of being in my radar. It clouded my judgement and made me slow on the trigger and mundane. I was as shy as when I left. It wasnt like that all the time, and eventually I evolved, becoming a fixture with my friends once more. But I neglect to forget that one summer that I was the me I always wanted to be. And I cant help but think that if it werent for my triumphs and flops during that peaceful time, I wouldnt be where I am now. In fact, thats my next blog post. I bet you would like to meet her, you know, the muse?

Post #3: The journey is just as important.

Before one can understand how it feels to reach a point in life when you just expect things to come to you. Its both a joyous mentality, as you lose most stress that comes with social interaction and are avaible to enjoy said interaction with no strings attatched. The same way it is also a hollow victory, slowly but surely you forget how nice it is to let your guard down, hanging out with couples isnt as hellish as the entertainment industry makes us believe, in fact it could be one of the best times you will have while going out, but you begin to forget how nice it is to be with somebody of your own. You feel like if you are indeed ment to share your life, things will come to you, and you wont have to work for it. But at the same time, resentment grows in your person, resentment reserved for this seemingly cruel reality that will aperently go out of it's way to screw you over personally. Its a duality of life that still I know for a fact that no matter how much I meditate and grow, it will still puzzle me in many years to come. Possibly the interest in contemplating this state of mind came to me by the time I reached my adolecence. As a matter of fact it may well have been the first idea that defined the way I would develop over the years. And no place was it more obvious than during my eight grade year. I remember it well cause that was the year I met a girl not just new to our school, but to anybody there. My first thoughts about here werent ones of a romantic or pretentious nature, but rather ones of pity because of how fastly she was judged. She was an early bloomer, a beauty too. But sadly not the other dames in class were so lucky, so they looked down on her. Naturally a shy girl she was hurt, almost to the point of wanting to leave. I dont know what made her want to leave her thoughts to my care, but she poured out. I found a friend in her like nothing before, and through my confusion, I decided to simply continue with the friendship. Soon those same girls that mocked her realized how foolish they were and began a relationship that has lived into today even though she couldnt be any farther away. But I hit a stump, I fell for her. It was weird cause of how random it happened. As if one day I woke up and decided to pursue a girl who was in all reason, way out of my league. But not farther than that one girl I met in my infance. So I meditated and consulted with others to make sure my thoughts were true. But through all reason and knowledge I went ahead and told her how I felt. Rather, I decided to let my keyboard do the talking. It was by far one of the best poems Ive ever written. But lo, it was just a poem, and she being the smart girl I always knew, thanked me but also told me how she felt in no way the same. I knew as much, but I couldnt feel any better. I had faced her and cleansed my mind. By the time I made record of how I felt, the feelings themselves went away. It wasnt romance after all, and I still dont know what it was. But it wasnt anything like what I feel now. That girl I once knew is a friend and nothing more and it doesnt bother me. But everytime I look into the eyes of the muse that walks the same halls as me everyday I dont feel a simple crush, I feel heartbreak. Because no matter how much I tell her how I feel. It sucks to know... Rather to not know how she feels. Cause its easy to take rejection, but uncertenty is a new circle of hell in of its own.