Post #13: A short yet swift blow

Soon enough I was soo knee deep into my own suddenly established attitude that I had semented for myself that it was impossible to turn back. Soon I had forgotten how to be another person that wasnt this pathetic. It wasnt the intention, but rather the execution that had brought it up to be that sad. Then came the day school began. I had built this day up in my mind so much I almost burst into tears that morning. In fact I never slept the night before, laying down in a bed for about 28 minutes to wake up isnt really sleeping afterall. When I got there she wasnt there yet. And it wasnt till the first class that I saw her. The confident me that had left class in December was now replaced by a shadow of my former self who was even too afraid to give the woman he loves a hug. I compleatly froze at the look of her, and by the time I had snapped out of it, she was wondering over which classes to take. And as I talked to her, something suddenly became painstakingly obvious that she was either pretending that nothing had ever happened or she didnt really care. And while I tried over and over to squeeze even the slightest drop of concern or attraction from her, it became even more so that she wasnt even involved anymore. Now I realize how sad it must have been considering how involved I was, but its an undeniable fact that I was oozing desperstion, something I hated doing because I never noticed, ever at all. And it showed that she noticed, since she barepy spoke to me. But nothing would hurt more than another field trip we took not a week after school began. Considering how much attention she had been paying, I had asked her if she was even going to accompany me on this field trip. She answered yes, and that only made what followed worse than any other feeling I have ever felt. By the time we had arrived she was compleatly oblivious to my presence, I wrote it off, not thinking much about it. I thought so little about it that I decided to bring some of that confidence back from December and just flat out ask her where we would sit down. Doing that was like seeing the white in a man's eyes just before he took a dagger to your heart. The moment the question poped from my lips, she laughed in my face and infront of her friends who also laughed in my face. She exclamed with pride "No! Im going to sit with my friends." If I were to say it hurt, I would be undermining every deception ever. It hurt so much that I can still hear the moment that my heart broke in a little reel that repeats itself over and over and over again. You know what is the worst about it? I dont know how to turn it off! It sits there taunting me up the moment I decided it was over without even one iota of regret or joy. She couldnt even say it to my face, she ended up confirming my doubts through text. A freaking text message! There is no way to pierce a man's heart more swiftly than to forget him without him knowing.