Post #15: Just a simple story, about the greatest year ever.

So, here I now stand. In the plain between my sanity and my heart. Its been exactly 97 days since this all began. And I cant help but believe that it can go on for 97 more. Ive warped my reasoning to the point where I myself hardly recognize the way I now aproach my problems. It used to be so simple. Identify the problem, isolate the problem, get all Jack Donaghy on that problem's face (its 30 Rock you guys!) Point is that it was as simple as asesing what I have done wrong and correct it. But nothing is that simple any more. Even my simplests of problems have to be analyzed and over complicated that they would make even the most seasoned thespian walk of stage in a manner that would probably offend Axl Rose. Point is that she has changed my perception of life itself. The very simplicity of life which I once took for granted now becomes the very fuel that pushes me for her. At any other given moment I would have denied the oportunity to apreciate something in the hopes that it would be replenishable one day. Its not the case anymore. I cant give up something in hopes that one day I would get it again. If I would still see it that way, I would have never know what a wonderful woman she is. Being with her opened my eyes to the beauties of nature like nothing before it. And even if she might not see it, she has been the single most impacting entity in my existance. Every laugh I have shared with her, every frown she has talked through me, and those moments when a holy prank placed us together felt nothing less than seconds now that I think about it. I wanted it too hard, and so I lost it before I could realize the eternal sunrise that smiled in front of me every day till December 28th, a date that will forever be known as the one moment where I doubted no more. The one moment I let my guard down and wasnt scared. She is the only person who has inspired that type of confidence in me. I let my every wall around me melt for her, and I could have never felt safer. She is my muse, my guiding song into sactuary. And I followed it all the way into oblivion, but I will follow it over and over again. Cause no matter how many times she guides me into a hollow ebony with a smirk, I will keep on to the day when she finally lets me know she feels nothing for me. Isnt it funny? I still dont know! She assures me that no matter how many times I guess im not right. I will trust her this one last time. Through this blog I have lived through every stage of the most interesting year in the history of humanity, and I know that its not over yet. So I will ride into the dawn, waiting for her call, my lovely nightingale. You know where to find me dont you? So how about it, you ready... Monique?

Post #14: The slow days

The days following would be deserving of their own blog, each day was a constant popuri of feelings thay even I have yet to comprehend. But just because I had failed to comprehend them doesn't mean I couldnt accept them. I had never know any type of romance at all. But I had know the void of having my heart broken. And it mends, but just like a torn piece of paper taped and stapled together over and over again, it becomes warped and crumpled. Not useless, but barely recognizable enought that you could identify it from a pile of once identical sheets. I acepted the fact that another tear would be created but something felt amiss. Since the moment I had felt her start to dwindle in her being sure of me, I made a promise to myself. To not let it come as a shock if it one day ended. I didnt know where, when, or why, but my heart knew it was just a matter of time. It wasnt a nice feeling to have, it was horrible knowing or even believing that the best thing that has ever happened to you would end as abruptly as wars begin. But I prepared myself to hear that. How? Well Im not really sure about how or what I did. All I know is that when it happened, I took it as lightly as I could have. It was almost scary how calm I was. I wanted to believe that I undertood why it happened. But in no where in my being did I understand, nor did I want to. The first day was the easiest, it felt like I had lost an important notebook. Replaceable yes, easy to accept, of course not. But the second day was horrible, I saw her right infront of my eyes and couldnt even work up a "how do you do?" Its a psycological torture I wouldnt even reserve to the most evil of tyrants. Seeing a golden exit locked as you burn in helheim, its horrible. By the tenth day I was already defeated. I couldnt talk to her even though the thoughts basically poured out my mouth. And the days that would be spent telking for ours on end were now replaced by meaningless repetitive tasks that I couldnt have given up faster when I was with her. Games and activities that once filled me with glee now became a menial distraction as dusk aproached and the hunger and rest settled in. To say I would have been just as happy by delivering suppenas is an understatement. At least then I would have the satisfaction of being useful to someone. I no longer had a reason to wake up early and stay up late. And I lived every day like that till one day, while I played the same game that I once ommited for weeks just to make sure she had all of my attention, my phone rang with a victorious fanfare. Who could it have been? I hadnt heard that same tone in over two weeks... And as I saw the same beautiful picture, the one she had sent me in my sole reclusion to remind me she was still there, pop up to let me know it was her messaging me, my heart skipped a beat. And even more suprising was that for the first time since I have "known" her, I had no idea why she would want to talk with me. It wasnt the same type of heartbreak. It was less, much less, but I definately felt that she felt the distress. She wanted to talk to me again. And I was happy to comply. But I only wish she knew that my crumpled paper heart was still torn, and blocking the mending was her golden aura once again lighting up my soul.

Post #13: A short yet swift blow

Soon enough I was soo knee deep into my own suddenly established attitude that I had semented for myself that it was impossible to turn back. Soon I had forgotten how to be another person that wasnt this pathetic. It wasnt the intention, but rather the execution that had brought it up to be that sad. Then came the day school began. I had built this day up in my mind so much I almost burst into tears that morning. In fact I never slept the night before, laying down in a bed for about 28 minutes to wake up isnt really sleeping afterall. When I got there she wasnt there yet. And it wasnt till the first class that I saw her. The confident me that had left class in December was now replaced by a shadow of my former self who was even too afraid to give the woman he loves a hug. I compleatly froze at the look of her, and by the time I had snapped out of it, she was wondering over which classes to take. And as I talked to her, something suddenly became painstakingly obvious that she was either pretending that nothing had ever happened or she didnt really care. And while I tried over and over to squeeze even the slightest drop of concern or attraction from her, it became even more so that she wasnt even involved anymore. Now I realize how sad it must have been considering how involved I was, but its an undeniable fact that I was oozing desperstion, something I hated doing because I never noticed, ever at all. And it showed that she noticed, since she barepy spoke to me. But nothing would hurt more than another field trip we took not a week after school began. Considering how much attention she had been paying, I had asked her if she was even going to accompany me on this field trip. She answered yes, and that only made what followed worse than any other feeling I have ever felt. By the time we had arrived she was compleatly oblivious to my presence, I wrote it off, not thinking much about it. I thought so little about it that I decided to bring some of that confidence back from December and just flat out ask her where we would sit down. Doing that was like seeing the white in a man's eyes just before he took a dagger to your heart. The moment the question poped from my lips, she laughed in my face and infront of her friends who also laughed in my face. She exclamed with pride "No! Im going to sit with my friends." If I were to say it hurt, I would be undermining every deception ever. It hurt so much that I can still hear the moment that my heart broke in a little reel that repeats itself over and over and over again. You know what is the worst about it? I dont know how to turn it off! It sits there taunting me up the moment I decided it was over without even one iota of regret or joy. She couldnt even say it to my face, she ended up confirming my doubts through text. A freaking text message! There is no way to pierce a man's heart more swiftly than to forget him without him knowing.

Post 12: The nothing weeks

Have you ever busted out in laughter like a mad jester? For no given reason by the way. Its probably the most purifying experience out there. Just walking along the all too familiar hall to your kitchen then suddenly clutching your gut and having to sit down like a damn fool. At that moment all of the world's troubles melt away and you are left to enjoy your own secluded madness. Its the lover's curse, to live in glee. And every day since the best December 28th heaven has ever gazed upon did I live in blissfull ignorance of the world that surrounds me. At least, for three weeks that is. Soon after a subtle and non binding new year's promise from her, I noticed her distant. No, wait. I barely noticed her there at all. Our conversations were suddenly slow and impersonal. Her attitude was that of indifference and not much more can be said of her trust. She suddenly stoped confying in me things that at the beggining of our friendship (Note the word friendship, not dating) seemed elementary. As if she doubted my judgement or discretion. I thought much of it, after all, one does not dismiss that diamond which gleams the brightest even in the darkest pit. I preased on with faith that I could help as I had several times before. But I felt the game had changed, she had changed. It was subtle, but it was there. There was only one reason I held back. And I fear that it might have sealed my own downfall. For fear of losing her I held my tongue. More than once, I turned into the instigator who never has seen a flaw in the person he is counsiling. I hate that person. I vowed to be honest to her at all times, and this threw me off from my path too far. But I couldnt stop. And soon it became the only person I could be. Not just with her. But with everybody, in my mind. Everybody was right and nobody could tell them otherwise. Never listen to that person! I remember one such day, she had not slept the days before and this day was no diferent. So I, being 30 miles away, decided to stay up and acompany her until she fell asleep. She knew it was a waste of my time, and so did I. It didnt matter if I stayed up till Morpheus forgot me. No matter how much time I would take from my health, she wouldnt instantly fall asleep because of one gesture. And so I was awake till 5 waiting for her visit from the sandman. It never came, so I, feeling as a failure went to sleep. And what sucked the most is that I did that to myself. But it persisted, and it led to my unduing in less than 2 weeks...

Post 11: I still know its true.

By the time of the last final we had grown very close. We talked always and tried to spend as much time together between tests. It was great, some would call it magical. It was almost like my heart was suspended upon a balance cord with no safety net. Feeling both on top of the world, and in terrible danger at the same time. And I took every single day as a blessing from a god I dont believe in. It was like the climax of an epic poem. And my soul concured with that statement. So you could probably imagine my inmense disillusion when the tests were over and we were free, never has a child ever wanted school to carry on. And it didnt just hurt that I wouldnt see her again for a month, but the worst thing was that I wouldnt see her the last day. I left her be the day before thinking that I would see her again the next. But my damn algebra final got in the way of my happiness. It wouldnt be the first time math is a cruel b!tch to me. But this time she outdid herself. That very day I boarded a plane that would take me 800 miles away for ten days. It was a great time. Thats for sure. But knowing I would not see her again hurt me so much I still lack the words to describe it. But for the sake of the writing and slight comic relief, "It burns!!" will sufice. She was still there though, her sweet conscience wasnt more than a dial away. And I milked that for all it was worth. I wouldnt go the day without talking to her. And It made the vacation one of the most fun, satisfying experiences I have had since I knew that no matter where I was, she would be there. But I knew that if I didnt see her till school starts, I might go insane. An exageration, perhaps. A waste of breath, never. I had to see her. So I finally got her to go out with me, the very day after I got back. And since I asked her. Every day to my return was a count down that would have made 24 look like a gym class stop watch. The day I returned I boarded a flight at 12:00 freaking a.m., and I didnt sleep a lick. Cause every time I closed my eyes, she was there. The day was finally here. I would see her after 10 days if unholy disney characters. As I walked torwards the entrance of the mall I felt a wave crashing over me. A wave of adrenaline and endorphines. She had finally thrown my heart out of rythimn. Making it tick faster and slower at the same time. I felt dizzy so I decided to sit down. It would have hurt the moment if I had fainted infront of her. The minute I saw her I rushed to the line of the movies, and when I saw her eyes, my heart melted as if it had been submerged in napalm. We went in only to have the dude in the line tell me that the movie wouldnt start for 15 minutes. Freaking yes! So we sat down and talked. She didnt notice, as I am a master the discreet, but a slight tear passed my eye. Left eye to be exact, which I wiped by proceding to sip some cola (like a boss.) The time came so we moved to the theater to find the greatest gift a movie theater could have ever given me. A reclinable coaster, the one boundry between to people at a theater was here to be removed. As I sat to see the movie and saw her removing the recliner, I took this as a chance to look, no, to gaze at her while the theater light was still soft. And as she rose her delicate locks of brown and allowed me to see her face, I saw a sight uncomparable to any wonder, worldly or otherwise. Her eyes were now surrounded in a tear worthy autumn tint of gold that turned her gaze into a subtle ring of light. Almost reluctanctly, I made way for her to lay her head in my chest, blocking way from her beautiful crystals. And as time progressed my heart slowed to a near halt. At which point I felt her clutch my arm and let out a sight of comfort, as if it had been something she awaited. Now the movie started and I couldnt care less. Dont get me wrong, Martin Scorsese is a master of cinema. But no amount of french cafes would distract me from the best thing thats ever happened to me being almost one with me. The movie progressed and we exchanged subtle complements and honesties. Then the movie was over and I almost fainted. I wouldnt see her again for 2 more weeks. What a freaking hell! But as the movie's credits rolled and the song "Flying Heart" played in the subtle back ground. She didnt get up. What? Did something of hers fall? No, she looked at me and her beautiful gaze shined brighter than before. And as they drew me in with a force stronger than the thickest diamond, I leaned in, and so did she. It wasnt just a kiss. For the first time ever every doubt I had became clear, any taunt melted away and any insecurity disappeared. That breath I once took now repeated itself. But we were still here, and nothing more mattered. It is still, the most amazing thing thats ever happened to me, and forever I will remember it as the only moment in my life that I was truly happy. And as I said goodbye to her to the tune of one last kiss I realized that one doubt that has always haunted me. I realized that I loved her. No, wait. I love her. Ive loved her since the fourth grade. And I still do and forever will. How can I be so certain? I can't. But if I chose to believe one truth, its this one. And I still believe it as I believed it everyday since the end of the fourth grade.

Post #10: We all make fools of ourselves

I remember the first time I got the courage to ask her out. She already knew how I felt, and yet she still found it in her heart to talk to me. It made me so happy that I hadnt fully screwed things up. The more I seeked her out, she remained there, neutral yet open. She told me straight up that she didnt feel anything for me, but never told me that she wouldnt. So I kept at it, in the hopes that she wouldnt wake up one day with a message for me on her mind that specifically stated "Cease and deceast." But something in my mind miscalculated the effort necessary to keep her close. Most of the time instead of making her feel in a safe enviroment. I, without intention, berated her with questions. Im my mind, I had waited most of my life, and to wait more was and still feels unnecesary. And even though I know very well that the feeling of attraction is not defined by he who makes the first aproach of courtship, but indeed by both parties. I constantly asked, in some cases which I am not particurlarly proud of, I demanded to know if she had made a decision. Its definately one of the moments of my life that made me feel like I would have been brought up in a different way, I wouldnt have been like that. She obviously felt uncomfortable and that made me feel like I was failing, still does by the way. But sometimes I knew that I had a right to know. It had been enough after all, and I just wanted the answer to a question most kids in freaking elementary school phrase as a little note. I didnt expect her to check the "yes" box in the little letter that asked "Would you go out with me", but I expected her to check something, and the more she took, the more it hurt. This went on for a good month. But what was weird wasnt the fact that it took long. By the third week I was already concient of the notion that she might never go out with me. But slowly, as time passed I felt her grow closer torwards me. In the weeks leading up to the second week of december. She was awefuly affectionate torwards me, almost as if we had a history prior to now. It felt weird, and I would have to admit I wasnt a big fan of it. I didnt complain. She would always talk about how we should just let things flow. And if this was her way of allowing things to proceed, then I would pay attention. After all, I was, still am, in love and all was valid. And this would go on till the moment when she couldnt possibly say no. A class field trip to the movies, nothing short of my little personal promised land. She had to say yes. And she did. The sweet sound of that beautiful PG movie still resounds through my ears cause it was one of the first moments we were at peace together. Only one other time have I felt something like that. And the funny thing is that it hadnt happened yet.

Post #9: My first nightmare

Man have I felt horrible today. It isnt easy when your day begins with a nightmare still fresh in you memory. It took posesion of me the moment I woke up, and I hasnt let me go. But what bothers me isnt how dark it was, but rather how vivid and life like. Im not one used to remembering dreams, in fact I forget most within minutes of waking up, so it is a huge event when one sticks with me. It has sometimes been reflections of my past day, or ways I proyect my self in an alternate existance. One in which the basic laws of nature dont apply and we are beings of pure intention. Beautiful drean those, in which I wrap myself in the silk blanket that is Morpheous' spell and sleep till the world is no more. But never has a nightmare stuck with me as this vile thought has. It began as any normal dream, where the imposible is the standard and only your actions matter, not quite a lucid dream. Rather one of a spontaneous and considerate nature. An azure sky covered an oh so simulteneous sleeping earth in the middle of a perpetual, cloudless day. And as all woke to take the daylight, so did I. I sprang from my bed, now a chair tastefully made to rest my head, to begin my day. But what is it on my phone but a call that keeps ringing throught the house. And as I calmly make my way over to the phone expecting it to go to voicemail, it seems to be getting louder and louder. Finally I pick it up. The other end is a cheering voice. Who would it be but her, boy was I electric. It was my little Christmas with no strings attatched. Soon her cheery giggle went silent and like a lighting from the blue came a shreeking scream followed by insaciable tears. And the next thing I know im next to her. I talk and I console but all to no avail. When she pushed me away, she talked but I heard nothing. And I could only remember the last word, over. She didnt mean us. We were nothing to begin with, sudenly she disapeared and the news came on. A girl is threatening to jump from a building in the business district. Its her, and next thing I know Im there as well. I run to the edge to stop her but by the time my hand reached her wrist she fell. So I dove after her. The horror wasnt in that we fell together, it was in that by the time I caught up to her, it was too late. Should I have written these blogs about her? Cause lately I havent been feeling too hot on the topic.