Post #10: We all make fools of ourselves

I remember the first time I got the courage to ask her out. She already knew how I felt, and yet she still found it in her heart to talk to me. It made me so happy that I hadnt fully screwed things up. The more I seeked her out, she remained there, neutral yet open. She told me straight up that she didnt feel anything for me, but never told me that she wouldnt. So I kept at it, in the hopes that she wouldnt wake up one day with a message for me on her mind that specifically stated "Cease and deceast." But something in my mind miscalculated the effort necessary to keep her close. Most of the time instead of making her feel in a safe enviroment. I, without intention, berated her with questions. Im my mind, I had waited most of my life, and to wait more was and still feels unnecesary. And even though I know very well that the feeling of attraction is not defined by he who makes the first aproach of courtship, but indeed by both parties. I constantly asked, in some cases which I am not particurlarly proud of, I demanded to know if she had made a decision. Its definately one of the moments of my life that made me feel like I would have been brought up in a different way, I wouldnt have been like that. She obviously felt uncomfortable and that made me feel like I was failing, still does by the way. But sometimes I knew that I had a right to know. It had been enough after all, and I just wanted the answer to a question most kids in freaking elementary school phrase as a little note. I didnt expect her to check the "yes" box in the little letter that asked "Would you go out with me", but I expected her to check something, and the more she took, the more it hurt. This went on for a good month. But what was weird wasnt the fact that it took long. By the third week I was already concient of the notion that she might never go out with me. But slowly, as time passed I felt her grow closer torwards me. In the weeks leading up to the second week of december. She was awefuly affectionate torwards me, almost as if we had a history prior to now. It felt weird, and I would have to admit I wasnt a big fan of it. I didnt complain. She would always talk about how we should just let things flow. And if this was her way of allowing things to proceed, then I would pay attention. After all, I was, still am, in love and all was valid. And this would go on till the moment when she couldnt possibly say no. A class field trip to the movies, nothing short of my little personal promised land. She had to say yes. And she did. The sweet sound of that beautiful PG movie still resounds through my ears cause it was one of the first moments we were at peace together. Only one other time have I felt something like that. And the funny thing is that it hadnt happened yet.