Post #14: The slow days

The days following would be deserving of their own blog, each day was a constant popuri of feelings thay even I have yet to comprehend. But just because I had failed to comprehend them doesn't mean I couldnt accept them. I had never know any type of romance at all. But I had know the void of having my heart broken. And it mends, but just like a torn piece of paper taped and stapled together over and over again, it becomes warped and crumpled. Not useless, but barely recognizable enought that you could identify it from a pile of once identical sheets. I acepted the fact that another tear would be created but something felt amiss. Since the moment I had felt her start to dwindle in her being sure of me, I made a promise to myself. To not let it come as a shock if it one day ended. I didnt know where, when, or why, but my heart knew it was just a matter of time. It wasnt a nice feeling to have, it was horrible knowing or even believing that the best thing that has ever happened to you would end as abruptly as wars begin. But I prepared myself to hear that. How? Well Im not really sure about how or what I did. All I know is that when it happened, I took it as lightly as I could have. It was almost scary how calm I was. I wanted to believe that I undertood why it happened. But in no where in my being did I understand, nor did I want to. The first day was the easiest, it felt like I had lost an important notebook. Replaceable yes, easy to accept, of course not. But the second day was horrible, I saw her right infront of my eyes and couldnt even work up a "how do you do?" Its a psycological torture I wouldnt even reserve to the most evil of tyrants. Seeing a golden exit locked as you burn in helheim, its horrible. By the tenth day I was already defeated. I couldnt talk to her even though the thoughts basically poured out my mouth. And the days that would be spent telking for ours on end were now replaced by meaningless repetitive tasks that I couldnt have given up faster when I was with her. Games and activities that once filled me with glee now became a menial distraction as dusk aproached and the hunger and rest settled in. To say I would have been just as happy by delivering suppenas is an understatement. At least then I would have the satisfaction of being useful to someone. I no longer had a reason to wake up early and stay up late. And I lived every day like that till one day, while I played the same game that I once ommited for weeks just to make sure she had all of my attention, my phone rang with a victorious fanfare. Who could it have been? I hadnt heard that same tone in over two weeks... And as I saw the same beautiful picture, the one she had sent me in my sole reclusion to remind me she was still there, pop up to let me know it was her messaging me, my heart skipped a beat. And even more suprising was that for the first time since I have "known" her, I had no idea why she would want to talk with me. It wasnt the same type of heartbreak. It was less, much less, but I definately felt that she felt the distress. She wanted to talk to me again. And I was happy to comply. But I only wish she knew that my crumpled paper heart was still torn, and blocking the mending was her golden aura once again lighting up my soul.